Example: Healing Encounter with Manager, Firefighter, and Exiled Inner Child
In the dialogue below, you will see all the three types of parts (manager, firefighter, and exile/inner child). In the beginning, as is normal, all three of these voices feel blended, like one column of smoke coming from a single fire. Managers and firefighters have different needs than exiles. If we do not recognize that there may be a grass fire, a grease fire, and a chemical fire under a single column of smoke, ministry will be ineffective. Part of the ministry process is often to “unblend” these voices so that each one’s needs can be addressed. One simple way to do this is to listen for “doing” statements, which are usually from a manager or firefighter. The exiles struggle with our sense of being, or who we are.
The following is a summary of a longer, more detailed conversation and healing encounter.
Initial Discussion Between the Minister and Joe (not his real name)
Joe: I have two sides to myself, laid back and nice and, when I reach my limit, one that can explode like Mount St. Helens. But it takes a lot to get me upset. I can talk things through, voice my frustration, and work things out with people. But I am extremely frustrated with myself. I feel like I’m wasting my life because nothing I do makes things better. This has been going on for decades, and I’m sick of it.
The truth is, I want to divorce myself. I almost did last Christmas. I sat outside with a knife and considered how much easier it would be to just end things.
Minister: Why did you want to end things?
Joe: Because I am a pitiful little boy who cannot stand on his own two feet. I am so pitiful even God can’t love me.
Minister: I’m hearing a manager who is beside himself with frustration because he can’t make things better. He is frustrated with the wounded little boy. He doesn’t like him because he can’t manage life well with him in it. The exile feels rejection from the manager. The more he feels, the more rejected and worthless he feels inside of you. You are at war with yourself through these two parts, and nothing you have been doing to manage things makes the exile any better. When things reach a boiling point, the firefighter jumps in and wants to end things. Thankfully, you’re not seriously suicidal. But in the end, all you end up with is frustration and emotional exhaustion.
Joe: That is exactly how this feels.
Minister: Can you tell me about your true core self? Describe for me the person God made when he made you.
Joe: I have no idea who that person is.
Minister: You sound like you are a different person when you are away from the battle, such as when you are out in nature. There, you describe yourself as at rest emotionally and not having to manage anything. Tell me who are you out there.
Joe: Oh, when I am out there, everything feels different. I am creative, intelligent, capable, fearless …
Minister: How does God feel about you when you’re out there?
Joe: Oh, he loves me. He sees me, accepts me, and wants to be with me.
Minister: That is not a mood you are in. That is your true self, the one who lives in connection to God. He can come back when your manager and firefighter are not dominating the show. There hasn’t been room for your true self to be present while you have been dominated by this conflict.
Joe: Yes, that is true. That is who I truly am. (Joe’s manager and firefighter are starting to calm down as they get back in touch with who he is rather than who he is not.)
Facilitating the Healing Encounter with God
(Now that Joe has gotten back in touch with his true self, bringing him back into his conscious awareness, the manager and the exile can recognize these attributes as their true identity. If the manager can be taken out of “EMT Mode” (see our previous article), then there is a chance that the exile can be healed, and the manager can refocus into a more functional role in Joe’s life.)
Minister: So let’s do something. Let’s put the manager and the exiled little boy in a room together. Let’s put the person who upset you in a different room behind a locked door. Does that feel possible?
Joe: Yes, I can do that.
Minister: Now, ask the manager to look at the little boy and tell me what he sees.
Joe: Oh, he’s not pitiful at all! He is creative, intelligent, lovable. He is actually good!
Minister: Can you tell me if the little boy still feels that God cannot love him?
Joe: No, he knows God loves him.
Minister: Tell me about the little boy’s heart now. How is he doing? What is he feeling?
Joe: He still wonders if he has what it takes to be acceptable. It feels like he is still living in my father’s shadow.
Minister: Does the little boy feel he can ask God what he says about his belief that he is not fully acceptable?
Joe: Yes. (Joe pauses.) God says he is the apple of his eye. The little boy says he can see the joy and smile of God’s face looking at him. He feels like he crawled up into God’s lap. God says he has loved him all along. He is completely accepted and loved … he has grown up! I don’t feel a separate little boy anymore.
Minister: Now, let’s go back and look at the original situation. When you look at that, what goes through your mind or heart?
Joe: I don’t feel triggered. I’m at peace.
Minister: How about the manager and firefighter?
Joe: They don’t feel alone anymore. They feel as if Jesus is walking with them, showing me insight into people’s hearts instead of having to defend myself against them.
Minister: And the firefighter?
Joe: He feels like he can invest in people rather than criticizing them and pushing them away. I feel like I am ready to engage in life again.